Christian Skateboard KIX

My True Identity

2005-05-23T21:11:00.000Z

I felt it was time to reveal my true identity to you all. Here I am in black and white, shortly after I waxed my chest (and the rest of my body). The pants are very special to me, I tend to wear them as they create less static when chafing against my trousers.

Blah Blah Blah

2005-05-20T12:51:00.000Z

Boyzone were right. It's only words.. And I KNOW they didn't write that song, but let's face it, Boyzone are essentially superior in every way to any other singers.
Especially Keating who is a fine strapping man. In fact so strapping that in my mind his is the face hidden under the balaclava's of the (American funded) IRA bombers.
OH SHIT I FORGOT... CAN'T MENTION BOMBERS.
Anyway, I am asking the question: Was Ronan Keating ever in the IRA?
YES or NO.

YOU BASTARDS

2005-05-18T17:49:00.000Z

I am back.
Thanks very much for all you kind e-mails of support during the period of time that the Tory-sponsored-American-Nazi-cocksuckers TOOK MY FUCKING BLOG OFF THE AIR.
FUCK YOU ALL.

And thankyou for giving me something to be pissed off about.

2005-05-10T16:25:00.000Z

Where's your fucking melon, and are you thankful I only greenied on your shoe and didn't stab you in the eye?

Grimacing Thunderbird

2005-05-10T16:04:00.000Z

The worst thing about having been subjected to an election recently is the way normal people attempt to take on the attributes of politicians.
I was at a meeting today with a man who had clearly been watching Tony and the Big Boys and ..... so......... was ATTEMPTING to ....... PAUSE.... then CLEARLY state certain words in his sentences. Another man in the room then launched into his best Michael Howard impression by grimacing and attempting the "I'm waving and invisible melon" hand movements.
Pricks.
At one point during the meeting I pretended to drop something on the floor. When I reached down under the table, hidden from sight, I coughed up a large lump of fleghm. Still crouching under the table I then smeared this across the toe cap of the grimacing thunderbird's shoe - a golfball size lump of green tinged yellow mucus. I then sat up, smiled slightly and nodded in agreement to whatever the fuck he was talking about.
On ending the meeting I saw him glance down, then double take with a look of horror. He must have known it was something to do with me as he started walking over, then changed his mind and doubled back out of the door.
Whilst he might have felt aggrieved, he didn't realise that I only did this to prevent myself from ramming a sharpened pencil into his left eye ball then bundling him out the door and pushing him face first down three flights of stairs.
If he'd know that I'm sure he would have thanked me, but the real question is: Would Michael Howard?

Blame the Manager

2005-05-08T22:14:00.000Z

Whilst I'm on the subject...
When a football team plays badly, one or two players might cop it. But when they play really atrociously the fans eventually blame the Manager. It's always easier to pin the blame on one individual than the whole team.

Come on Germans, hang your heads.

American goalhangers on VE day

2005-05-08T21:45:00.000Z

When you play football there's always a lazy mean child that stands by the opponents goal (children usually ignore off-side), tries to pick the ball up after it's been worked through the defence and knock it in the goal to cover himself in glory.

Who really won the second world war?

For the sake of our Grandparents, how can we allow the Americans to produce this Spielberg re-written version of history? I appreciate that a truthful account of Victory in Europe is less likely to pack out cinemas across the States with super-size coke guzzling walruses. But we have a responsibility to remember that it was the Russians first and the British second that prevented the world from being dominated by German fascists. Of course the Americans jumped in at the end and knocked the ball into the net, setting them up for an era of faux moral superiority and subsequent global domination.
Bu then the Americans had their own war to win. They needed to get revenge on the Japanese who blew up some of their warships; and did so by nuking half the population of the country in the single biggest atrocity committed in the history of humanity.

Thanks for liberating Europe Yanks, and good luck for the same across the rest of the world.

My guilty secret....

2005-05-08T01:04:00.000Z

That's not a real picture of me, you know. Sorry ladies....
In real life I look like an Adonis. But can't take pictures of me, I crack camera lenses on sight.

Can you catch dyslexia?

2005-05-08T00:35:00.000Z

I must have sat next to a dyslexic on the bus or something, my spelling seems to be getting worse.

Living as a fucker

2005-05-08T00:18:00.000Z

Do you have low expectations?

I have none. It has been evidenced to me over time that there is no point whatsoever believing that anything good will happen, because people are fucking stupid, everything fucking dull and nothing ever changes for the better.
Some people will think that this is negative or that thinking this way will get you down. Not so. You think that because you are stupid. It actually makes me very happy to know that things don't work out in the end. Having no expectations never sets you up to fail. I don't expect that anything that has any connection with anyone else will happen. So I do everything I need to myself.
For example, last week we had an opportunity, as a country, to get rid of our American puppet Government. But I knew we wouldn't, because people are stupid.

Actually I have a problem with the whole idea of elections. They're dull. They're also a poor way of chosing a Government. What about a system whereby everyone would take a test at the polling station, thereby preventing stupid people from voting? That would make more sense.

Having a George Bush backed Tony Blair "fighting" an election seems about as similarly pointless as having a football team owned by a billionaire "competing" for the league title. Is there any way someone with that much money and power would let their team lose?

I'd prefer to live as a happy fucker with no expectations than to believe that any of us have the power to change anything except our own minds. And our underwear. Although I don't do that very often.

Vote Cock

2005-05-04T21:35:00.000Z

If you vote, you will be....
The General Election literally makes me want to smear my own face with shit and throw myself, screaming, into the polling station down my road.

Just a note to the girl that writes the Erratic Diary: don't vote for fucking Harriet Herman-fucking-Munster, she looks like's swallowed a wasp and sucked half a pint of vinegar up her fanny. As for the LibDem wanker - do you relise he's 13 years old and his main campaign point was the free distribution of conkers every Autumn.
As for the Tory, I believe his Jag was robbed on the Old Kent Road last night and dumped in the Thames. With him in it.

So vote cock. Get your nob out at the polling station. It's legal.

The Sun

2005-04-29T11:39:00.000Z

Today it's sunny. That's great.
The problem is that when the sun comes out people all over London seem to forget that they're ugly. Now, as a very fat man I am aware that there is no need to expose my flesh unless it's very hot and the clothes I'm wearing are incapable of absorbing the vast rivers of sweat running off my person. But today for example... it's 20 degrees c. That is not hot, it's just sunny. I am fully clothed. But the streets are literally infested with scum wearing off the shoulder vest tops, shorts, flip fucking flops and crop tops.
YOU ARE MAKING ME VOMIT.
Put your fucking pasty, hideous, pimpled, orange-peel, veiny quivering rolls of flab away. And go and sit on your own in front of a mirror for a good couple of hours until you realise it's NOT summer it's NOT hot and you're NOT attractive in any fucking way.
Thanks.

Sandwiches

2005-04-27T14:33:00.000Z

The motherfucking Earl of Sandwich has a lot to answer for. What a wanker. Not only has he aided the Scots in destroying our country (via Greggs the Bastards), he has forced on us an insipid ruse to fuck us all over for all eternity.

Sandwiches are utterly contemptible in every fucking way. I'm going down the road now and if I see ANYONE eating a sandwich, I'm going to smack them in the face.

Fuck sandwiches for ever.

PS American readers: a sandwich is a bit like a burger except square not round and with a variety of fillings that can be, but are not always, vegetable in nature. They also differ from the burgers in that they do not always contain a "product" that is essentially congealed animal fat. And do not always have fat in other forms swishing about inside them.

Fuck them anyway.

Is the Pope a Catholic?

2005-04-25T15:59:00.000Z

No, he's a former Nazi soldier, intent on spreading HIV throughout the developing world.

Sorry, that was a bit obvious, wasn't it.........

Puke

2005-04-25T15:57:00.000Z

I have a good tactic. In any volatile situation I have the capacity to puke directly at my antagonist. Far better than hitting someone, this always guts the opposition to the core.

Greggs the BASTARDS

2005-04-19T16:01:00.000Z

Greggs say:

Our Values
‘We will be enthusiastic and supportive in all that we do, open, honest and appreciative, treating everyone with fairness consideration and respect.’

What they mean is:

Our Values
"We will be entusiastic about poisoning the English scum with vats of fat, then opening their bedroom windows, treating them to a knifing, a robbing and a shafting as they sleep."

Braveheart and Greggs

2005-04-19T14:58:00.000Z

Because the Scottish have had a chip on their shoulder for the last several hundered years; primarily due to their drunken inadequacies, and the fact that their entire country's economy is propped up by people in London, they have realised that their revenge on the English must take a subtler, darker form.

As demonstrated in the film Braveheart, the Scottish are crap at fighting even when (rarely) sober, and so know that there is little point in trying to come down south for a ruck (PS I believe the English did take your freedom...).

Instead of a direct attack they have focused on a far more deadly sabotage of our country.
Greggs the Bakers ( http://www.greggs.co.uk/ ).

The Scottish master plan is simple. Replace every normal baker in the whole of England with a supposed "baker" that churns out rancid fat soaked shit at an astonishing rate, thus pacifying and subduing the fattened English so that Mel frigging Gibson and Bertie Vogts can charge down to London with a load of pissed up 8 year old heroin addicts and burgle all our houses.
Why do you think Greggs is so cheap? Have they cut the price of mayonnaise and vegetable oil? No! This is being subsidised by Scottish Nationalists hell bent on the destruction of England, their weapon is sugar doused "branstoun" pickle and large swathes of margerine; coupled with "milk" chocolate "yum-yums" and seasonal biscuits made of chicken fat.

Boycott Greggs or we'll all be wearing kilts by Christmas.

Who wants a fight?

2005-04-19T13:27:00.000Z

Why did people decide that we should ride on the back of horses? Why don't we dominate the seas riding on the back of dolphins?
I feel that we should have evolved more in the direction of aquatic beings, like Kevin Costner in Waterworld, except not retarded or American.
People say the sea is our friend. This is a lie, so we should dominate and subject it to our whims. Actually I just want to live in the middle of the ocean and build a new Atlantis. I will be the ruler.

This way I can be based in the middle of the Atlantic, which will be closer for any Americans that want a scrap.

2005-04-17T13:19:00.000Z

So this man is now supposed to be a "pundit" is he? The world of football is truly in its most appalling state imaginable if we have to listen to his incomprehensible ramblings at half time.

Fantastic dialogue

2005-04-17T13:17:00.000Z

"Manchester United, the best attacking team in the country without by a shadow of doubt", the Master Big Les just said...

Shooting fish...

2005-04-17T12:01:00.000Z

I need a new target, everyone hates Americans and everyone (except Americans) knows it.
Before I stop whinging about the globally dominant Monkey-Fuckers though, I just want to say one thing.
Given that an election is coming up, it's very predictable that the main parties have started their racist attacks on minority groups ie their "immigration" policies.
But in this country who really are the larget immigrant groups?

The largest number of immigrants to Britain currently are people from Ireland.
The second largest group are from Australia.
The third largest group are from the USA.

Obviously, with Ireland just a few minutes away, that's no surprise.
But with the second and third largest groups of immigrants to Britain, there's clearly a problem.

A simple test would be; at entry point to the UK a check should be made to see if the person arriving is wearing white sports socks with their black shoes. If the answer is yes, the individual is clearly in a category of unacceptable American, and so will not be allowed to enter.
A second test could be to ask an innocuous question about a sport no one actually plays, like rugby, cricket or swimming. If the answer lasts for more than 30 seconds the applicant could be turned away on the basis that they are a fucking boring straayyeaan.

This will be my election manifesto.

Jesus

2005-04-17T11:39:00.000Z

Just to be clear, Christian is my name.
People say "Christian, are you religious?".

Well, yes actually I am.
I love the God and the Jesus. I especially like Madonna, who had sex with Jesus when he was a black man in the video for.... one of her songs. I enjoy the wine that you can have, although I don't like way they try and make out that wafer is "bread".
The other great thing about Church is the way the priests sexually abuse children. This is why, in America in particular, Michael Jackson is celebrated as an almost religious figure; this is due to the vast quantity of children he has sexually abused, a feat most priests can only aspire to.
All in all, I would say that my enjoyment of religion has a lot to do with its relevance to our society. And the lack of hypocrisy. And the men in dresses. And the rich camels passing through the needle's eyes just by the door. And the fantasies I have about fucking nuns up the arse.

So you see, Christian by name, Christian by nature.

Porn

2005-04-16T17:42:00.000Z

I have just realised that porn is my saviour.
I have also just discovered the most obscene porn site I think I have ever come across...

I don't know what I'm doing today

2005-04-16T17:32:00.000Z

I had a very heavy night last night. As a very heavy person, a heavy night can be an ardous and disgusting process.
But the worse thing is the effect it's had on me today.
1. I smiled at people in the street for no fucking reason.
2. I went into a Starbucks (only to throw up in their toilet, actually I made a point of throwing up on the toilet floor rather than in the toilet, just to try and make myself feel a bit better about it)
3. I let the fuckers in the shop up the road rip me off without even arguing about it. This was because I could not have an argument today.

I am seriously considering not taking drugs again. At least not ecstasy. I'm sure I'd be happy with PCP or even a lot of speed, well not happy, that's the point I'm making.
Except if I did that I'd probably end up gut wrenchingly smug and emotionally unstable like certain other people who's blogs I exchange insults over.

I will go throw up and be back to myself tomorrow.

The Internet

2005-04-14T15:27:00.000Z

There are times when I'm convinced that the internet was invented by the American Government to provide a universal pacifier for the planet.
And to sell more frigging Levi's.

My apologies

2005-04-14T14:33:00.000Z

I would like to apologise to all the people that have contacted me to say that they've been offended by me, both on this blog, on the internet in general, at my work and in my personal life. I sincerely regret any actions I have taken or words that I have said to upset you.

Oh, actually, no I don't.
Because you're all a bunch of pathetic, lifeless, soul destroyingly weak cocksuckers that should rot in some American-style "Chicken" takeaway's deep-fat-frier for all eternity. And I'm sooooo pleased to have momentarily snapped you out of the brainless mental arse-fucking that constitues your existence by swearing at you and being obnoxious and rude.
You love me for it really, don't you. Especially you, the IT support bloke at my work. You love me the most... because you know why your boss is being nice to you, don't you.....?

P45, fuck face....

Itai's 80's retro

2005-04-12T23:25:00.000Z

Who else thinks that this whole renaissance of hooliganism in Italy is bit 80's retro?
Those fucking Italians. Go to Italy. Look at the people. How non-ironic 80's retro are they? So far behind that they've finally cottoned on that people could fight each other at football games.
I fucking hate the Scouse cunts, but even part of me would like to fly to Turin to fuck those behind the times retards off.
Anyway, Chelsea've bought the whole thing, so what's the point.....

2005-04-12T16:05:00.000Z

Oh look..... A Chinese tour party crossing Montana.

Message to the Monkey Fuckers...

2005-04-12T15:53:00.000Z

Stop peddling your deep fried shit "food" all around the world, but especially in South East London. And China.
The kids are eating it you know, and their puking all over the fucking streets.
Tennesse fried chicken? We know it's not chicken, and certainly not from Tennesse. They're ripping the pigeons out of Trafalgar Square, deep frying them and making the kids in New Cross puke in the streets after eating them. You fucking cunts. And what are you spending the profits on?
Burning down other countries trees and Diet Fucking Pepsi.
And CD's by P.Diddy.
Cunts.

Burn down the trees

2005-04-12T15:46:00.000Z

Yank scum.
When they invade countries, why the deforestation? In the Vietnam war they razed vast number of innocent trees. Actually, fuck that, who cares about Vietnamese trees...
I just wish that the Chinese would get their shit in gear and fly over to the great shithole between the Atlantic and the Pacific, and start some serious deforestation.
Imagine thousands of Chinese men and women swarming all over the great burnt bald eagle, what a fantastic sight.
Although, I suspect there's a number of Yank scum out there that genuinely believe that their trees, along with their fat-soaked fried-shit food, are superior to any other trees.

Bastard TV

2005-04-10T20:49:00.000Z

There is currently a programme on TV about how shit TV is. Is this the same as bloggers writing about writing their blogs? What the fuck is going on? Is our entire life being turned into a ugly distorted reflection of an ugly distorted reflection of an ugly distorted reflection of an ugly distorted reflection....
Fuck. I'm part of it. I'm writing about it. What if now someone makes a TV programme about me writing this, and then someone else writes about that TV programme on their blog??????????

2005-04-10T20:48:00.000Z

The rape of our poor English souls... This filth pollutes us at all times. The utter contemptableness of the scum that dominate our fucking country. We are in Babylon. This is the whore.

2005-04-10T20:36:00.000Z

To be honest, I hate this woman too, but look at her tits. I mean, is there anyone on the world that would be able to look at anything else if she was around? Can you imagine sitting in a bar with her, trying to look into her eyes?

2005-04-10T20:34:00.000Z

Unfortunately, I can't stop watching her on TV, in case I get to see her legs. She's got increible legs, but her face literally glows bright orange.... shit.

2005-04-10T20:33:00.000Z

I hate this orange woman...

30+ million American living in poverty

2005-04-10T19:36:00.000Z

Aaaaah. What a shame.....

For fucks sake China, get your shit together and nuke the cunts.

2005-04-10T19:29:00.000Z

A Monkey, about to have sex with a human....

2005-04-10T19:28:00.000Z

CIA Agent, spreading rumours....

Monkey fucking

2005-04-10T18:30:00.000Z

Oh shit... I fucking well knew it...

"What i wanna know is who fu*&ed the monkey?
I remember in the 80’s the media first started reporting about HIV, the virus that causes AIDs. It was reported that they didn’t know where it came from, but there were reports that it came from a monkey in Africa. HIV/AIDS was manufactured in a lab. It was created. We all know this. Any person with a mind worth his or her salt knows that a disease this deadly, devastating and sudden, certainly didn’t come from out of thin air. There are reports that in the next 20 years, 80 million people in Africa will die from this disease or from causes related to this disease. The government (most likely the US) created this shit in a lab, unleashed on the homosexual population as a testing ground and soon enough amongst the African & Haitian population and then blamed it on a monkey. If the disease is transmitted through bodily fluids i.e. having unprotected sex or sharing needles. How did someone get it from the monkey? I wish the US would just own up to her dirt. Right now its just rumor, but 50 years from now a CIA document entitled ‘The truth about HIV/AIDS’ will be made public. There will be a momentary uproar. Just like with Cointelpro and then all will be quiet again."
From http://www.blackgirlinterrupted.net/shewrotethis/index.php?p=16

Forget the Monkey fucking stories... I knew that shit would have somthing to do with the cunting Americans.

My new pet hate........

2005-04-10T18:22:00.000Z

BLOGGERS. I hate people who write blogs, fuck man... Especially people who really self-consciously write their blogs. You fucking pricks. STOP WRITING BLOGS ABOUT WRITING BLOGS. This is total fucking wank.
"Just finished posting the last post, now I'm posting this post. Really enjoying typing this sentence, then I'll type the next one. Hopefully blogger won't go down again, sheett..."
You monkey fuckers.
Actually... Has anyone here actually heard a first hand description / had first hand experience of fucking a monkey?

Serene...

2005-04-07T22:11:00.000Z

I'm very serene today. I haven't encountered a single Straaain that drove me mad, a Morrissey or even someone that didn't know what a true cunt is.
Hopefully life will get better. I can't stand all this happiness inside me.
I don't even have a fucken thing to post on this blog.
Actually today I did nearly kick the fucking ass of the IT guy at work, but only because he was being his usual learning disabled self.
Learning disabilities... Now there's an interesting concept...

2005-04-02T17:40:00.000Z

Someone not from Strayyeeaarr

2005-04-02T17:39:00.000Z

An average Straayyeeannn

Morrissey: Closet Straaain

2005-04-02T17:15:00.000Z

I bet Morrissey loves it in Straaayyeaarr.

Straaaains

2005-04-02T17:04:00.000Z

Fucking straains.
Why on earth is there an entire nation of people pre-occuppied with the country that they're from? Obsessively. To the point where their own frigging identities become subservient to their national collective.
I met a facking straaain in Brixton last week. He was very fucking pissed, to be fair, but in answer to most of the things anyone said to him, he replied "But I would say that because I'm a straaaain meet".
I am really fucking bored with this self immolating fucking shit.
No one's country means fuck. We're all drowning in the same shit, whether you have beautiful sunsets and hopping animals or miles of grey concrete and crack dealers the end of your street (today's special: Super Skol and a butterfly knife). So stop fucking banging on about your particular patch of earth you fuckwits: either that or go and have a war so you can really prove a point.

You know that bit..

2005-04-02T00:31:00.000Z

You know that bit in Taxi driver when Travis Bickle says that it's time when someone stood up "to all the dogs, the scum, the cunts, the filth, the shit... here is someone who stood up". Actually he predicates that by saying "Listen you fuckers, you screwheads, here's a man who couldn't take it any more." Something like that.
What's the problem with dogs? I like dogs. Scratch dogs. Write "Morrissey" instead. Morrissey's a cunt faced fucking prick cocksucker. Truthfully.
Travis Bickle vs Morrissey.
Who's side are you on?

2005-03-15T21:05:00.000Z

Maybe this is why...

Nobody ever kisses me....

2005-03-15T21:03:00.000Z

Why?
Why?
Why?

2005-03-15T18:40:00.000Z

No irony here...

NO IRONY

2005-03-15T18:35:00.000Z

Irony's for fucken Amerikkkans.
Fuck irony.
I'm forreal.

FRENCH

2005-03-15T17:37:00.000Z

PAIEMENT FIN DU MOIS MERCI DE TA CONFIANCE
What the fuck does this mean? Just beacuse I sell something on e-bay to some cunt in France, does that mean he expects me to speak his frickin lingo? For all I know he could be saying "Suck my cock, you assholes should never have chased the Germans out and our country would still be part of a globally functioning fascist empire".
Does that sound prejudiced? It's not meant to...

2005-03-14T23:55:00.000Z

They knew they had it all, and they lost it. The fucking cocksuckers.

YBT's, the fore-runners of true cunts

2005-03-14T23:48:00.000Z

Tap the bottle, twist the cap an be applied pretty much to any area or walk of life.
THINK ABOUT IT.

Tap the freakin bottle right here

2005-03-14T23:19:00.000Z

[Chorus] Tap the bottle and twist the cap Tap the bottle and twist the cap Tap the bottle and twist the cap And pass it around the crew be cause the crew be all that [End Chorus] Hey yo, hickory dickory dock I'm under the Brooklyn block yes Who's the next to testify and try and penetrate the vest Diggatie do re me fa so la ti do I drop back my prozac I take it in track and give it a smack and cuttin no slack, jack Okay here I go Shorty tap the forty O smash To a pass, if ya crash make a dash to the trash Tap a cap, have alot and not alot not a little Don't grade upon the label take a guzzle, don't dribble I got the supercalafragileisticexpialadoucious You're commin to close to this, I get ferocious Coax this rhyme, smoke this rhyme hype When we rock it up on the mic, we rock the mic right Pass the funnel to the tunnel like it's busy till I'm dizzy Never pass it to get fizzy cause the guard gets busy who is he? Damn just pass the code decipher when I hit the dress bottom buy a can of Red Stripe Chorus (Repeat 1x) Well I be commin' around the mountain with my hoe Suzanna I'm peelin off the caps like the hicks in Alabama Check the grammar and the stamina I'm tootin' on my horn Timberland boot stompin' forty drink it more Malt liquor chug a filter let me rip it then I kick it Tap it once for my brothers sip it then I sip it So Xerox the zip code I'm in them all perfect-o Halelijuia here I go watch me flow and let go Trouble shooter smoke the buddah rule like a dictator Used to hit the fader now I play the commentator So let me swing it from the rhyme to the concrete jungle With the king heir's mackin, rulin' over knuckle Hits to the bed, cause Right Said Fred Lock em up with the bee's wax, kick it to em dred Yo, pass the peas please party pooper party stops 64 will give ya more if ya scammi

Reclaiming the word cunt

2005-03-14T22:26:00.000Z

Many different groups have reclaimed words used against them: the young black teenagers were ahead of their time reclaiming the words "young" "black" and teenagers from those that had taken those words for their own. Similarly NWA, not only did they stand up and say "Yes, we ARE niggaz", but they went on to comment "not just that, but we are that not only and of itself; also we are WITH ATTITUDE, like hot soss. Ow."

I am here as others should have done before me.

As a wise man once said;
"People say you are what you eat.
AND I'M A CUNT."